It’s such a habit for me. The minute I get into my car…I light a cigarette. The minute I wake up in the morning…I light a cigarette. The minute I finish eating…I light a cigarette. When I’m sitting here with my laptop I usually have a cigarette burning away in the ashtray, it’s not like I can take my hands off the keyboard long enough to smoke an entire one.
My smoking has gotten out of hands recently though. Hubby will buy us both a carton of cigarettes, he will have 4 or 5 packs left and I’ve finished my carton. I’m smoking roughly two and a half packs a day. It’s just getting to be too much. I know that me not working, and not going to school has a lot to do with how much I’ve been smoking. I’m home all day unless I go tanning or have therapy.
My son HATES that I smoke, he always has. I would love nothing more than going home to see him and telling him I’m a non smoker, for the first time since I was 13 years old. He would be so proud of me. Hell I’d be proud of me.
Our insurance (Tricare and we have a supplemental insurance, so I usually don’t have to pay anything when I go to the doctor and I pay very little for my Rx’s!) does not cover Chantix. So we have to pay cash for it. It’s $160 for the first months supply. I’m so afraid that we’re gonna pay that much money for it and it’s not going to work. That I’m going to disappoint my hubby. That I’m going to disappoint myself. But…I’ve got to try.
I’m not sure if my doctor will give me Chantix though. The last time I asked her about it she said she wanted to get the Fibromyalgia under control before I even tried to quit smoking. I’m worried she’s gonna say no again.
I’ll be honest with y’all, just typing this out has made me anxious. Just thinking about quitting is making me feel like I’m gonna have an anxiety attack. Isn’t that awful?
I’ve always said I want to quit for all the right reasons, but I like smoking. But…I don’t want my Son to have to watch me suffer the way I watched my Mom suffer when she was dying. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life.
Hubby took Chantix a couple of years ago. He quit after a week and a half. It didn’t bother him when I smoked around him. He eventually started smoking again. I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to have him smoking around me. It’s gonna take everything I have in me, and the meds to help me quit. That’s really not fair to him, but I’m sure he’ll understand!
Anyway…wish me luck! I’m gonna need every single ounce of it!!!
