I've got some work to do...

July 10, 2010

Yesterday was a grueling day, grueling! It started first thing in the morning and didn't stop until late afternoon. There was some (major) drama going on and hubby was stressed to the max.  Poor thing had a tension headache that just wouldn't go away. (He still had it when he went to bed last night!) His stomach was bothering him, he drank a half of a bottle of Pepto just trying to make it stop.

I hate when he stresses like that, it scares me. So what did I do? I worried... and I stressed him even more. Because he was stressing, he was cranky, and we ended up having a couple of words, mostly me being upset and not being able to hold it in. Usually I'm pretty good at holding it in. I usually don't voice my opinion on certain subjects, only because voicing my opinion isn't going to do a bit of good. It's not going to change a damn thing. Does this bother me? Yes! Can I change it? No.

I made a choice when deciding to move here. Sometimes that choice isn't easy to live with. I packed up everything I owned and moved from Louisiana to North Carolina a year after we met on line. I packed my entire life into 6 boxes. Six. I had to get rid of stuff that was given to me after my Mother's death. I had to give up stuff that I'd been holding onto for years that Rusty had made, or given to me. (Lol...he used to bring me home rocks from school!)

I left my son, in his senior year of high school, because it's what he wanted and it was 3 months before  his 18th birthday. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I also knew that it was the best thing for him, if I made him move here, he would have quit school. Not to mention he would have just moved back to LA on his 18th birthday.

I left my family, my friends, my everything. Hell I even left my car. I had nothing here, except him. No job, no friends, no family. Nothing, but him. I sacrificed everything to give us a chance.

It hasn't been easy for me. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned myself, "Was it really worth it?" Don't get me wrong, I love hubby dearly. He is THE BEST thing that's ever happened to me. I've never had a man treat me better. For the first time in my life I know what real love feels like.

But...I've missed out on so much with my Son. The everyday things. The little things that we all take for granted until we can't experience them anymore. Sure, I go home once or twice a year, but it's never enough. Imagine only seeing you kid, and your family once or twice a year.

When he totaled my car, I wasn't there. (He was fine, just freaked out.) When his father committed suicide, I wasn't there. (I flew home immediately!) Can you imagine what it's like to have you 19 year old kid call you and say "Daddy shot and killed himself last night?" And to know that the moment that he found out about it, you weren't there? It's not easy to live with. There are feelings of guilt that will never go away. Never.

My son has had to grow up, a lot. Because he doesn't have me there. I can't take care of things for him. I can't fix thing for him. I'm not there. When he gets sick, I can't be there. For all of you Mother's out there, you know what that's like. Hell, you feel guilty enough because you can't make them better, imagine how guilty I feel cause I'm not there. Even though I couldn't make him better I could at least be there to take care of him.

Like I said, there's an immense amount of guilt that I go through. Every.Single.Day. I struggle with it. Every.Single.Day.

When I get upset with Don, it's one of the first things I throw in his face.  I don't mean to, honestly I don't. I don't do it to be hateful. I do it because sometimes I feel like he doesn't realize what I've given up, for us. I need to know that he realizes what I was willing to give...for us. And I need to know that he's willing to give the same.

I'm not saying he's not. I'm not saying he doesn't realize what I've sacrificed. Deep down inside I know he does. Maybe I just need to hear him say it. I dunno.  There are some things that he's not willing to "bend" on and sometimes, that bothers me. I guess my mindset is "I've bent over backwards and then some! Why can't you?"

There are situations that happen sometimes that I don't agree with. He and I both know what they are. It's a no win situation. Really it is. No matter which way it goes, someone is going to be upset. And it always ends up being me. Not because he's stubborn and wont give in. It's because there are really no other choices to be made. So what's the use in arguing about it? None really.

But...I AM a Cajun woman. I don't how much y'all know about Cajun people but we are very strong willed. When we set our minds to something, it's not easy to "back down." It's not easy to let it go. No matter how much I know that my opinion is irrational, letting it go is NOT easy for me. I've come to realize that when I have to back down, or "let it go" in my mind I'm thinking "It's just one more time that I had to "sacrifice" something!" (even if it is only my opinion, or how strongly I feel about certain situations!)

But...that mindset isn't right. I can't "punish" Don for this. I can't keep throwing it up in his face every time I get upset. It's not fair to him.  Do I sometimes wish that Don would try to see things from my point of view? Hell yes! Do I sometimes wish that, just once, he would sacrifice how he feels (or thinks) to make me happy? Hell yes! Is that irrational? Hell yes!

I've got some work to do on myself. I've got to change my way of thinking on this whole situation. I've got to understand that sometimes this way of thinking puts my husband in an impossible situation. Even though I feel like I've been in an "impossible" situation for the past four years. It's a situation that I chose to be in. I chose to give it all up to be here. Even if I didn't understand the choices I was making at the time, and the consequences of those choices. It's not his fault, and I've got to stop blaming him.

I've got to accept the choices that I've made, and the consequences of those choices. Just like everyone should have to when you're an adult. I guess the keyword here is adult. Yeah, being an adult sucks, but for some of us we have no other choice but to be an adult.

No matter how much guilt I go through, no matter how much I feel like I have to back down and let go, I wouldn't trade the last four years for anything. My husband loves me, and he makes me happier than I ever dreamed possible. It was so worth it.

Yeah, I know I'm not perfect (imagine that!), and I can admit when I'm wrong!


singedwingangel said...

Sweetie what you are feeling is perfectly normal. If you WEREN'T feeling that way I would be concerned. Sending you HUGE hugs.. fromhere..

Dee Stephens said...

It is normal. Good luck with it all. Terrible about your son's father...sorry...but it's just selfish when parents do that.

MiMi said...

This is such a great post, I can totally understand where you're coming from!
I'm not in the same situation, my kids are smaller, and I'm married to a guy I've known since highschool, but as a mom and a strong willed woman I can say that I get it.
I get it and I think it's awesome that you can stand back and look at yourself and see that you could be wrong, but that doesn't negate the way you feel!!!

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