30 Days of Truth....Day 3.

July 19, 2010

Day 03→ Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Not being with my Mom when she passed away.

The night before my Mom passed away instead of being with her I went out and got drunk. Yeah, judge me if you must. Trust me, it's something I've beat myself up for more than you ever could.

My life was in an uproar. I was watching my Mom die. I watched her go from 180 lbs of healthy to less than 100 lbs of cancer. Because of certain things that were going on my sisters and I weren't able to spend as much time with our Mom as we would have liked.

We didn't get along with our Mom's husband. That's a whole other blog entry in itself but lets just say that it didn't make it easy for us. I thought that he was over medicating my Mom (I still do). When she told me that he'd given her 16 sleeping pills in one night, I called hospice. Apparently they didn't see a problem with this. I think that over medicating her was easier than taking care of her. Unfortunately, she passed away a few days after finding all of this out so we were unable to do anything so we could be the ones to take care of her instead of him.

Because I was having such a hard time dealing with what was going on with Momma, my ex and I were separated at the time. (it was only for a week but still)

A really good friend of mine Crystal called me the day before Mom passed and asked me to go to a birthday party with her, she didn't want to go alone. The party was held in a banquet hall of a hotel. Her father ended up renting a room for her and I to "sleep it off" because we both got so drunk. I didn't have a cell phone at the time. We got up early the next morning and Crystal dropped me off at my sisters house on her way to work.

When I got to my sisters house I thought it was funny that there were still bowls of half eaten cereal on the table. My sister is not the type of person who would leave that kind of stuff sitting there like that. I was still half asleep so I didn't think much about it.

The next thing I know my two sisters and my sisters kids came walking into the house. My Sister Denise looked at me and said "Dionne, Momma died this morning. Get dressed. They're holding her body at the house until we can get you there."

I can't even tell you what happened next. To this day I do not remember getting dressed, or the drive over there. I just remember pulling up in front of the house and jumping out of my sisters car, I think before she'd even fully stopped. I remember running in the house and Mom's husband looking at me and saying "She's gone, they took her body 10 minutes ago!"

I remember screaming "Why?" Over.and over. and over. again. I remember hitting the floor. I remember screaming until I had no voice left.

I remember calling my ex at work and screaming into the phone so loudly that he couldn't even understand what I was saying. I remember that I had to say "Momma's gone!" at least 20 times before he couldn't finally understand what I was saying.

Honestly, the next week was a blur. I remember bits and pieces. I remember having to tell my Son that his "MaMaw" had passed away. Having to hold him as he cried when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and make it all go away.

I remember going to the funeral home with her husband and seeing the styrofoam casket he'd picked out for her. Seriously, styrofoam covered in fabric.  That's what he'd picked for his wife to be buried in. I remember my sisters and I scrambling to get the money together for something better for her.

I remember picking out the music and scriptures. I remember picking the pall bearers with my sisters.

I remember sitting at the funeral home surrounded by the men who loved me the most then. My ex on one side of me, my son and his Dad on the other. I remember my son being the strongest little man (9 year old) I'd ever seen.

I remember every one of my Mom's daughters and her grandkids taking one of her guardian angel pins (she collected them) and pinning them on her dress in her casket.

I remember the pouring rain as we got to the cemetery.  I don't remember the graveside service. I remember that when it was over that my two sisters and I held hands and walked over to our little sisters grave, how we stood there in the rain. Crying. Just holding hands. And crying.

I'll always remember this song. I'll probably always cry every time I hear it.

I remember my Mom. I remember that I wasn't with her when she passed away. It's really something that I need to forgive myself for. Not sure if that's possible though.


Scraps said...

Awww, hon, we can only do the best we can with the information we've got at the time. I do hope you find a way to accept that.

Others have expressed the same sentiment about hospice: it's about keeping the patient comfortable which can sometimes mean over-medicating. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

MiMi said...

Oh, friend. :(
Such a sad story.
Hugs for you, she knows you love her and there's nothing to forgive.

DeAnn said...

Your mom knew you loved her.. and know she loved you.. and true friends Never Judge.. I love you girl!!

Gen said...

Honey...you've got to...forgive. never forget, but let yourself forgive..and remember. Learn. Become better, stronger, deeper for the pain you've lived through...remember that each experience makes us who we are...and that wonderful hubby of yours, he loves who you are...bit by bit.

big hugs girl!

S♥ said...

I have a lump in my throat. One of my biggest fears is losing my parents.

singedwingangel said...

I am so sorry hun that you still feel this bad.. I think that some people don't want someone around when they pass. My hubby's mom swore she would never die if someone in her family was in the room and she stuck with it when the end came. Perhaps they feel as if their actual departure would be too hard on their loved ones.
My mom is in the hospital right now after having a mild heart attack last night. I shudder to think what mighthave happpened to her had I not come home when I did and given her the nitro spray and an aspirin..along with calling an ambulance

LBDDiaries said...

I was with my mom in the hospital for 2 weeks. The one Sunday I told her I had decided to go to church before I came by, THAT was the day she passed away. My son was with her but I have to tell you, even with being there every day, I STILL felt guilty - and had to forgive myself for being human. And we are - human. Had you stayed home recouping, resting & watching TV, and not gone out to a party or get drunk, you'd STILL feel guilty. Forgive yourself - it's OK, really!

Melanie said...

Oh such a sad post, so sorry. I can relate to a lot of what you posted. In 12 days it will be 2 years that my Mom is gone.

{Kimber} said...

awwwwwwww......this gave me chills!!

{Kimber} said...

awwwwwwww......this gave me chills!!

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