30 Days of Truth, Day 9.

July 28, 2010

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

This one's gonna be a little hard for me. I kinda believe that people come inot (and out of) your life for a reason. So if there's someone I've drifter apart from, it was for a reason. I might not have realized it at the time but sooner or later the truth slaps me upside my damn head I get the point.

The only person I can think of is my son's Dad. Yesterday was the "anniversary" of his suicide.  Even though our marriage didn't' work out we were still very good friends, until I moved here.  Distance and his drug abuse took it's toll on our friendship.

He's threatened suicide so many times before, no one honestly thought he'd actually do it. We all thought his threats were just for attention.

Thought I'm still so damn angry for the way he did it. For calling his parents and telling them "goodbye," knowing they were going to run down to his house. For pulling the trigger knowing they were going to be the ones to find him. For doing that to them a year (to the day) after they lost their daughter to lung disease.

I'm pissed at him for being so fucking selfish. For not thinking of his kids, his parents, his family...the people who loved him. Fuck, I'd like to give up sometimes, but I can't. I have a  child. I can't be that damn selfish.

But as pissed off at him I am, I hurt for him too. I can't imagine the pain he must have been going through to stick the barrel of a high powered rifle in his mouth and pulling the trigger. I hurt for what must have been going through his mind during those last minutes.

Suicide is never the answer! Suicide prevention lifeline.


{Kimber} said...

wow...I didn't know this..that must have been a terrible thing, for all of y'all.

I'm sorry

singedwingangel said...

OMG that is horrible. and I can totally understand why you are torn between hurt and angry..

Meeko Fabulous said...

I agree. Suicide is not the answer. Maybe I'm just chicken shit, but I would never be able to do that. I just don't see life getting that bad, you know? Anywho, X's and O's to you.

MiMi said...

Oh, suicide is the worst. It leaves so many questions...sad.

In3Dee said...

whoa. What a powerful and honest post. It really is sad when a person is so despondent that taking their life is the only answer for them. :(

Dee Stephens said...

YOu know my thoughts. His poor parents and your son ;(

That One Mom said...

I feel ya, Dee, I know that anger and that pity.

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