It seems like it's been forever since one of my WTH hell post!! I'll remind you again, I can't make this shit up!!
RESERVE A SPOT IN HEAVEN KIT
Yup...you read that right people! You can now reserve your very own spot in heaven! Space is limited y'all, Reserve your spot now! There is a choice of two different packages -
*Essential Travel Kit $12.79 - This is a basic travel package offering everything needed to transport one person to Heaven. Includes:
Certificate of reservation registered into the book of light.
First class ticket to Heaven. Why walk up all those stairs when you can fly?
The Official Heaven ID card so you can get around without getting hassled.
Heaven 101 mini info guide. Get acquainted with the land!!
*All Access Travel Kit $15.95 - This is an exclusive package containing all necessary materials to get you into Heaven and experience al of the elite areas that are off limits to "normal" citizens. Includes -
Certificate of reservation registered into the Book of Light.
A first class ticket to Heaven.
The Official Heaven ID card.
Heaven 101 info guide.
All Access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to "VIP exclusive areas" including the Land of Milk and Honey and Thug Mansion, where all the elite get together and kick it.
And for those of you that prefer a "warmer climate," I'm now selling "Reserve a Spot in Hell" Kits. DAMN IT!! SOMEONE ALREADY BEAT ME TO IT!!
RESERVE A SPOT IN HELL KIT
Going down? It's filling up fast down there! Reserve your spot now! Send someone to hell now, before it's too late. There are two packages for this kit too.
*Essential Travel Kit $12.79 - This kit gives new meaning to the term "Go to hell" except we can actually change fate and send someone there. Kit includes:
Demonic issued certificate of reservation, officially registered in Satan's Log and prepared on flame-proof material.
A one way, free-fall ticket to hell. What better way to get there than a non-stop, direct drop?
The Official Hell ID card so you can get around without being hasseled.
Hell 101 mini info guide, outlining things you need to knwo to survive the nightmare.
*All Access Travel Kit $15.92 - This is the ultimate Hell getaway package and includes everything needed to get to hell plus a limited edition VIP pass. Includes:
Demonic issued certificate of reservation.
A one way, free-fall ticket to hell.
The Official Hell ID Card.
Hell 101 mini info guide.
All access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to "VIP Exclusive areas" including the Frozen Wasteland, the Lake of Fire and the Bridge of Dead, where all the hotties get together and kick it.
MEAT BUSINESS CARDS
Your info...on beef jerky. You better hope you don't meet up with a pissed off hungy pit bull on your way home!
BACON AND (CHOCOLATE) EGGS?A new twist on the classic Easter egg. Soft bacon caramel + 55% dark chocolate. Redefining bacon and eggs. Five dark chocolate half eggs arrive nestled in straw and are each filled with soft buttery bacon caramel. Bite, crack, ooze, salty-sweet delight. YUMMY!
Animatronic singing, dancing boobs. The "Trophy Rack" he's always wanted. "Mount 'em" next to all your big game. When activated they beging to move in rhythmic motion to "Titties & Beer" by Rodney Carrington. I know a couple of rednecks that I could get this for!
CASHMERE ASS WIPERS
A supermarket in Britain is selling toilet paper made with real cashmere. $4.50 for a pack of 4. Cause you only deserve the very best.
It's lucky y'all!
Mr Luvha Luvha is getting some of these for xmas!! Not really!
VIRGINITY "RESTORATION" KIT
Artificial hyman, no surgery required. Only in Japan!
EARTH DOG TAGS
In case of Alien abduction these dog tags may save your life. I'm not sure how though.
CONDOM MEASURING TAPE
Oh yeah...I can just see the "menfolk" standing in line for these. NOT! But hell ladies, at least you can see if your man "measures" up!!
SAME SEX ICE CREAM
Ben & Jerry's is celebrating (their homestate) Vermont's move to legalize gay marriage by changing the name of "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby." Yuuuummm! (I don't think they're gonna keep the name, I think it's for a limited time only!)
THE S.P.I.T METHOD"How to Live with a Huge Penis: Safer Penile Intercourse Techniques. I'm seriously at a loss for words on this one! Do you really need a book to show you how to live with a big ol' schlong??
"NEW" (FAKE) MARLBORO PACKAGING
Do you really think that would stop us??
FIND ME IF YOU CAN LINGERIE
This shit has a built in GPS. Dubbed as the "high tech chasity belt" for a mere $1,000 you too can have this bra and panty set with a tiny GPS system hidden in the fabric. Obsessed much???
PRONTO CONDOM APPLICATOR
The pronto condom applicator decreases the time to put on a condom in less than 4 seconds and ensures that the condom is put on correctly, even in the dark. Don't you think it would take just as much time to put the damn thing in that contraption as it would to put it on your winky??? Just sayin'....
I can't wait to get my kid one of these! WTH??
THE "ROOSTER BOOSTER"
Mr BusyBalls (People...I can't make this shit up! That's actually the name of the company!) is now offering swim trunks with a built in pocket that allows you to place a "cup device" (the wearer can decided the appropriate size (ranging from XL to XS! Damn! They don't have mule tool size??) to enhance and shape the groin region. They claim to also provide an extremely comfy space for the groin, especially when exiting the water...no adjustments are required to hide your package...or lack there of! Only $27.64 USD.
THE VA J J VISOR
Men have a cup, so why shouldn't we? This product helps when grooming "down there."
One size fits most.(Other ideas the creators had when trying to name this product? "The Clam Shell" "The Beaver Dam" "The Bonnie Bonet" "The Hoo Ha Hoodie" and "The Sister Hood.")
BOOB SOAP DISPENSER
You've never had this much fun in the shower! (If you own one of these, you've NEVER had fun in the shower unless it was alone!) Just squeeze the boob to release the soap. Ian...I think I'll get you these for xmas lol!
I bet this thing works as good as those damn "sweater shaver" things you can buy to shave the fuzz balls off your sweater!
I wonder if it comes in industrial strength too??? Seriously A GALLON?? Whoever buys that shit be knockin' THE HELL out of some boots!! Just sayin'.....
FREEZE DRIED SQUIRREL FEET EARRINGS
Ladies, a few of you will be getting a pair of these for xmas!! I know...you love me! haha
Infused with sweet scent and three pheromones to spark up your love life and catch the attention of the opposite sex. Ladies, I've got a tip for you! Save the $12.79 and buy some Wisk or something. You don't need some special stuff to was your sexies in to catch the attention of the opposite sex. You've got their attention already! Hell, they're just happy you washed your undies...you'll be lucky if they did theirs!!
I RUB MY DUCKIE PERSONAL VIBRATING "MASSAGER"
Massager...yeah right!! Duckie...this one's for you!! I picked the bondage one especially for you!
GROPE ON A ROPE SOAP
Why? Who? Why? Ewww....
I don't know about y'all...but this damn thing sounds painful as hell! To each their own I guess!
LIQUID VIRGIN DROPS
If you've got to got through the trouble of going out and buying this (or going online to get it and wait for it to come in the mail) then chances are...it's not gonna help you anyway! Hello ello ello!! Lmfao...that was so BAD!!
PEANUT BUTTER SLICES
"The funner peanut butter!" This just grosses me out. Not to mention...can't you just imagine how the jelly would be sliding all over the slice of pb?? Yuck!
LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY KIT
A comprehensive guide to losing it. But...if you need a kit...you aint losin' it anytime soon!! Lol... (I totally get that it's a gag gift!!) The kit includes : • Dr. Horner's comprehensive textbook, How to Lose Your Virginity in 96 Pages
• 10 Sexual Position Study Cards (ranked by difficulty, from beginner to advanced to Cirque du Soleil)
• 10 Heroes of Intercourse Trading Cards (includes the extremely rare Dr. Ruth Westheimer card)
• Certificate of Copulation (suitable for framing)
• And more!
Ok I think that's it for this installment!! Believe it or not, I've still got quite the list that I could have added here! I'll save those for next time!!