It's not so funny is it??

March 25, 2010

I know that most of you are used to the "funnier" side of me so I'm going to apologize in advance for the Debbie downer'ish nature of today's entry. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be back to my normal, quirky self.

I've been going through something, to be honest with you I don't even know what to call "it." Well, not until yesterday anyway. I just haven't been feeling myself. Like I've been "removed" from myself. God...I hate even trying to explain it because every time I do it sounds dumb as hell. Trust me, Mr Man has been asking me for the last couple of days what's going on with me...I just don't know how to explain it.

At first I thought it was just a really bad case of  fibro fog, but I thought it couldn't last this long but I read that article (the link) this morning and found out that it can when I googled it to put the link in here for it). But I still don't think that's what it is.

Remember how I said I'd stopped taking my meds a while back and that I had to start them back up again? One of the meds I'm on is Paxil (for anxiety...I don't know why my Dr just wont give me Xanax's and get it over with! I know they work!!). Well I was thinking about that today and I realized that when I was on it years ago it made me lethargic, depressed almost to the point of being suicidal and it made me hallucinate (not in the trippy way that you would if you were on acid, not that I know anything about that lol). I told my current Dr this but she said that they probably had me on the wrong dosage, she'd never heard of anyone having all of those side effects.

I know that this is a good part of what's wrong with me. As of today...I'm not taking that shit anymore. The last time medicine made me feel like this I got out of my bed at 1am and went outside, I didn't know for what I started looking around in our garage, through all of my ex's tools and hunting stuff. I didn't know how long I'd been out there. All I know is all of a sudden it's like I "snapped out of it" and realized that I was looking for a hang myself with. This is gonna sound crazy but it almost felt like I was in a trance, like I wasn't in control of what I was doing.I sobbed....for hours.  It scared me worse than anything I'd ever been through up until that point, and trust me...I've been through A LOT.

That was one of the single most defining moments of my life. I'd NEVER had thoughts like that before. Hell I'd always joked with my sisters and said that if anything ever happened to me and they said it was suicide, if I passed away any way other than OD'ing on sleeping pills, I DIDN'T DO IT! Lmao...(Cause hell, if you're gonna do it...why not go to sleep and never wake up??) I swore I'd never let myself get like that again.

So yeah, I'm not taking that shit anymore. But that's not all that's wrong with me. I know I'm a little depressed for reasons not even connected to the meds.

I'm lonely, I miss my family, my friends, hell everyone back home! I get like this usually when it's been 6 months or longer since I've gone back for a visit. I could go home tomorrow for a visit, but I'm trying to wait until September before I go. It's the one time of year that I know my (globe trotting) sister and her husband will be in town. I always seem to miss them when I go home...they're always on some exotic trip/cruise or another. I'm starting to get a complex I know they'll be home because it's during the sugar cane festival, and their restaurant/bar is super busy during this time so they can't just go galavantin' all over the world at this time!!

If I wait until September like I'm planning to, then I'll also be there for my Mom's birthday. I haven't been able to visit my Mom's grave on her birthday since I moved. I'm looking forward to that...OK that sounded nuts didn't it? know what I mean! I means a lot to me to be able to go on her birthday.

But yeah...I'm lonely for a little female companionship, for someone (here) to confide in, for someone to hang out with and just be me. Like I used to do with my big Sister Denise and her bestie Melly Mel (Melanie) before I moved. We used to get together once, and sometimes twice if one of us was having a bad day, a week for the "Tuesday Night Book Club on Wednesday's."

Lol...I'm not sure how we came up with that name. More than likely Melly Mel said it and it just stuck. Lmao...we didn't read any books, that was just our "excuse" for getting together. At first we called it our Tuesday night bible study on Wednesday's...but that just didn't seem right lol.

We would sit outside under my sister's patio in these really cool hanging "hammock chairs" that she has and just share a bottle (or four) of wine, a few stories, and a million laughs. It was so relaxing...well other than the notorious Louisiana mosquito's trying to eat you alive. It was so fun to just sit around and enjoy the company of a couple of really cool chicks never tell my Sister I said she's cool and laugh and joke around.

I miss it. I miss just sitting around with some cool chicks, shootin' the shit...laughing and joking. I have never had trouble making friends before..not until I moved here. I've been in NC for almost four years and I still can't say that I have a "best friend" here. There's one girl (that I used to work with) who will come by from time to time, we get together and go shopping or tanning every now and then. But she's young (23)...I'm 40 we're on two totally different levels.

Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. I love that she comes to me for advice. I love that she loves my jambalaya so much that she wont even ask me for the recipe because she knows she'll never cook it as good as I do (bless her heart, I love her for that one). I love that she usually raids my closet and nail polish every time she comes by.

I'm sure that most of you that are my age (or older hehe) can understand what I mean. I would just like to meet a few women who were closer to my age and that I had more in common with. When I hang out with Jess I usually end up just feeling like "the old chick!" Which kinda defeats the purpose lol.

Wow...I didn't realize how long this has gotten. Sorry about that. Let me just say, this wasn't meant as one of those "woe is me" entries. I guess I didn't realize how bad I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do just that!

OK...stop playing your fucking violins for me, you're giving me a fucking headache...someone crack a joke PLEASE!! Lol... 



Dual Mom said...

Ugggh it sucks that you have no close girlfriends because you're right, they can be a lifeline sometimes.

What about joining a fitness class or some time of group (that's not lame ass) in your area to meet new people?

Red said...

I could say that I know what you're talking about with missing womenfolk....but I have no fucking idea. LOL I've never had real life women friends who got together for crumpets & tea and shit.

I have to party online via yahoo or somethin.

Be careful with the depression/medication/etc. You know going off of it too quickly can make you act like that too, right?

Leiah said...

I'm so with you on this one. I've only been here a year and a half but I don't have anyone I can hang out with. Before I moved I was in the same Bunco group for 11 years and a birthday club for 5. I always had something to do. Now I go to work (deep in the dark recesses of Hell I might add) and then home. Sure I do stuff with That Man but it's not the same as having a gal to hang out wiht. I am definitely making plans for the Sugar Cane Festival but I doubt knowing you'll finally get to meet me will tide you over until! Sending you positive thoughts and energy to get you over this hump!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Xanax is the SHIT! I love it.


singedwingangel said...

Ahh hun you need a hug {{{{HUG}}}} having suffered with anxiety and depression I so get this. I was also on Paxil and felt much the way you are describing. I up and quit it too. Besides it did not one thing for my panic attacks. Walking and finding Psalm 91 was my saving grace in that. Email me and I will gladly send you my number. CAuse I like you don't really have anyone here, although my family is near by they have their lives and I am here caring for our mother and raising my kids.Hence why I love the blog world all my friends are here...

Meeko Fabulous said...

OMG . . . Prozac turned me into a freakin' zombie. I stopped taking it too. Move to Cali! We'll hang out all the time! :) Love ya. X's and O's.

Danica said...

I was on Paxil once and it was bad. Super suicidal and I thought I was losing my mind.

If you'd lived closer I'd hang out with ya.

I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time. I wish I could make it better.

Scraps said...

Serious bit: Honey, never take shit like that from a doctor. As someone who is dealing with a long-term something or other, I've fired doctors that don't listen or say "no one can be that sick"--punk hasn't met my family, lol. Gotta be your own advocate and find someone who'll listen and work with you. Good luck with that!!!

Funny bit: Being BFF-less sucks. Listen to Dierdre Flint's "I'm Single" for a laugh (similar vibe, even if you do have a guy, it's not the same!)

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

Oh, I'm sincerely sorry for what you're going through!

I'm sending you a virtual {whiskey} and some good ol' fashioned comfort food {mac n cheese}, {bread pudding}, {fried chicken}...take care!

Erin said...

I'm no doctor, but Paxil was evil. For me, anyway. Did NOT have good experiences with it.

As for me, I moved to KC 5 1/2 years ago and it has taken me almost that long to start feeling like this is home....if that's any consolation. I have friends of all ages, too, but do understand that gap you're referring to with that one friend.

Maybe start brainstorming ways to meet people? A cooking class? A book club? A pottery class? Even going to the same coffee shop to hang out a few times can connect you with people....I dunno....

{Kimber} said...

Boo...sending you big hugs from Louisiana!!! Moving is tough...hope you find some peeps soon :)

The Boob Nazi said...

I'm sorry it's been rough. I know how that is.

blueviolet said...

I've moved so many times over the years that at some point I stopped even trying to make friends. Sometimes I crave that companionship and other times I don't feel like dealing with the maintenance of friends. Ya know?

I also take anti-depressants, but it took me about 5 different kinds to find the right one for me!

Small Town Girl said...

I'm telling ya...doctors have put on every anti-depressant in the world just for them to make me more anxious or actually depressed or sleep walk or other craziness. You need klonopin or xanax, girl. As for the friend thing. We've been here 2 years and my best girlfriend here is in her 40's (I'm 28). My bestfriend and two other chics get together about every 6 months for a weekend. We laugh and talk about anything and everything, and it is therapy! You need a good dose of your old friends. It will heal anything!

Christina Lee said...

I am a debby downer today too. :) It is is so hard sometimes to get the right dosage and/or right meds. But you need to listen to yourself (you are your best advocate) and if something's OFF then it's off. *HUGS*

Salt said...

I 100% know how you are feeling. For 3 years, I lived across the country from my family and best friends and I suffer from moderate anxiety issues. There was a time when I was a HUGE trainwreck.

My meds helped (I was cut back to a really low dose because I used to have strange side effects, too...weird), but at the same time I never felt 100% because everyone I loved the most wasn't there for me to hang out with.

I'm sure there will come a day when I'll have to do a Debbie Downer brain dump too, but it's YOUR blog so you should write whatever you're feeling. And it's good to get it all out. :)

Danielle said...

Oh, I hope that you start feeling better and more normal for you soon.
I totally understand the need for "Your girl" time. I have go to girls for sure!

Chelle said...

I am so, so, so sorry :( I seriously want to hug you so tight!

Depression & anxiety suck. Just today I got my refill for my old dose and they double checked to see if I had any suicidal thoughts, etc. It is a side effect for some people. If anything can you go to an ER where they'll listen to you? I am so sorry that your doctor won't give you what works :(

Love you. For real :) I hate having no close girlfriends down here--I consider y'all mine. xoxo

Imperfect Stepford Wife said...

The fact you are telling your story is a step forward. You were really in my corner when I had those terrible moments and if there's anything I can do, please tell me.

Friends and family close by do make a big difference...maybe it's time to take a trip back home? Or No...?


Baby Sweetness said...

oh man, I know what you mean on the home sickness. I moved away 10 years ago. And if I'm honest, so many of the friends that were there have moved by now too... But I just miss that old gang of people I'd known forever and was truly connected with. It's SO HARD to recreate that anywhere. Esp. into my 30s when everyone has husbands and kids and everything else to contend with.

Post a Comment

I love hearing from all of you so don't be shy.