I'm Not An Asshole But I Did Stay At The Holiday Inn Express Last Night....

March 24, 2010

I know that everyone gets sick of me talking about how perfect Mr Man is all the time so I thought I'd take part in (another one of) Lee's great idea(s) "My husband is so..."

If you don't know about Lee already what rock have you been living under?  She's this amazeballs chick over at Headaches, Hormones and Hotflashes. Go check her out....she's hilarious!

So... if I had to search finding a flaw in this man is not an easy task for a "flaw" in him it would have to be hands down his road rage!

Here's a list of offenses that can set him off quicker than shit:

* Driving slow in the left lane - COME ON BUDDY!!! If you want to drive that f*cking slow that's what the f*cking right lane is for you f*cking moron! (Sexy right? The "sailor" comes out of him when he's driving! It's hot in an Officer and A Gentleman kinda way!)

*Talking on the cell phone/text messaging - Oh boy! You've done it now! You've opened up a can of worms with this one! HANG UP THE F*CKING PHONE AND DRIVE!!!

*Pulling out in front of him - You're so F*CKING lucky that he doesn't ram his F150 up your ass...wow that totally doesn't sound right! You get the point though...

*The speed up/slow down dance - Really? I try to pass you up and you speed up, then you slow down, then you speed up...you Redneck piece of shit!

*Not using your blinkers/turn signals - Hey "Nice turn signal asshole!" God...he's good with words aint he?

* People weaving in and out of the lane they're in -This  COULD mean they're drinking and driving, but chances are they're f*cking  text messaging which we've covered already but I'll reiderate...

Tailgating - Would you like to buy us a new truck dickwad?? Cause I'll totally slam on my brakes if you'd like to rear end us. Ok...that doesn't sound right either!

*Those $200 pieces of shit cars with the $1000 stereo  LOUD ass music...so loud that all we can hear is this horrible vibrating noise, seriously dude that car is gonna fall apart one day from all the vibrations! Thanks for sharing how you're gonna slap your ho, pop a cap in dudes ass all while smoking a slpiff!! Even though we may find your music touching we're already listening to our radio and that vibrating...really it's starting toooo...oops! Never mind!

*Tapping your brakes - Damn it! Did your momma drop you on your head or something when you were little?? WTF are you doing?

 * Cutting us off - Oh no you Di'int!!

 In short people, if you happen to be on the road with us please have some respect, don't you know that MR MAN is on the road? Bow to the king damn it! hehehe love you baby!

All of these offenses will normally result in yelling,

Shooting of the bird, 

 The fist pump in a Jersey Shore kind of way... so not attractive babe!!

The hurry up and pass them up only to pull up next to them and "mean muggin" them or my favorite, the shaking of the head! Ooohh...that really told them! Can't you just see the fear on their faces? Especially that 80 year old lady who should have lost her license 30 years ago!!! You showed her!! Lol... love you baby! 

 Lol...all joking aside going on a simple trip to VA is a pain in the ass. We get so little time to spend together and when we do if were going anywhere, he's acting like he's the Incredible  road raging Hulk! It kind of makes for a shitty day! I just don't see the point of all the yelling and shit! It's so romantical and shit yo! Don't get me wrong, I'll totally tell your ass off if you cut me off or such but I don't do it with almost every.single.car!

The only time I don't mind his road rage is when we're on the Harley. Seriously people you REALLY have to watch for bikes...you can't just pull out in front of one damn it! Then you'll see ME turn into a bad ass biker chick lol.

But...if that's the only flaw that I can find in Mr Man I know, you hate me then I should just consider me lucky! And hell...maybe the bumper sticker he has on the back of his truck is true....

  The last time he got pulled over the cop really liked that one! (No he doesn't get pulled over all the time) Lol...I guess it's better than the one on his back window..

Oh the things you can find at bike week lol! His actually says "you don't have to be dead to donate your organ." And really, that's totally lame compaired to the ones on his motorcycle helmet! WOW!

So that's my "My Husband Is..." story! If you're like to buy a book of Road Rage Cards you can do so here. Cause really...when you're driving and you get road rage there's nothing better than pulling out a book of cards that you have to look at and flip through to find the one that will express how you're feeling while.you're.driving lol! I'll leave you with a few more of the lovely road rage posters!


 Didn't they teach you that in elementary school?

Didn't have your Wheaties this mornin' did ya?? 

 Wow...you're really passionate about littering huh?

Hey freak....you got some 'splainin to do!!

 And you know this because???

Sorry Mr Man...you're not allowed to take my gun in the car!!

 Just in case you have dyslexia!

Oh no honey!! You don't look like a fucking idiot with your road rage  flash cards! 

Lol...have a great hump day y'all! 



Red said...

oh. my. gawd. I am dying laughing, because....my hubby is the same way! Shhh. Maybe we should video tape them, then play it back for them later.

The Boob Nazi said...

I hate people who drive slow in the fast lane. I always tell them they're going to a special hell for bad drivers.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA These just made me laugh so hard!!!!! Thank you for these!

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo.. myhubby is not even close to that I however am. Especially here in sticksville.. where it seems the people think they are still practicing in the fields like we all learned.Apparently cars are sold around here with a turn signla OPTION meaning you don't have to have them..

Debbie said...

Ok remind me to stay away from him while driving! I can only imagine you in the car! My bitch fest post was mild in comparison.....I am a back seat driver though..Nag more like it have a great day!

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I totally have the road rage problem, or at least I did until I had my son. That little snot likes to repeat words so I have to tone it down quite a bit!

{Kimber} said...

those pics were so funny!
and I am a TERRIBLE driver, guilty of many of these things, so let me know when your Hubs is on the road and I'll make sure I'm not!! :)

Leiah said...

Hey - I didn't see you in the back seat last time That Man and I were driving somewhere. What did you do - set up a tape recorder? Seriously, every one of his comments could have been made verbatim but That Man. Seriously.

We also ride so I'm so with you on the idiots on the road. I think it's because of the fact we ride and have to watch out for the stupid idiot driver who don't pay attention to bikes that it just automatically carries over when we're in the car. I tell people all the time "Bike are everywhere. Look Twice, then look again." And when they complain about the sound and "they're so loud", they need to remember Loud Pipes Save Lives. From idiot drivers who don't pay attention. Ok, I'm off my soapbox.

We'll have to compare helmet stickers one day...lol!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

LMAO! That's ME!! My man is so laid back in the car. I'm the opposite!

Meeko Fabulous said...

I've always wanted a set of those . . . LoL!!!

Yankee Girl said...

I LOVE those! I am the one with the road rage in the relationship, except for when the hubs is on the Harley. He goes crazy!

I think I am going to need to find some fun stickers to decorate my helmet with now!

I CANNOT wait til it gets warm enough to get on the Harley, the ride to work is always more fun when I am on the bike.

Scraps said...

hah! The only one of mine you didn't hit was the guys who just can't wait in line.

You've been there--right lane backed up and slow, left lane empty because it's a TURN ONLY lane but, still, the asshats decide they're too good to wait like the rest of us. So up the come, zooming the left lane and then hit the blinker about 3 cars from the light, expecting to line-jump. Oh. Hell. No.

That is the one time I advocate tailgating just to make sure those miscreants can't nose their way in.

Small Town Girl said...

Oh...and the pics rock...as usual!

Small Town Girl said...

I thought I had road rage, but sounds like your Mr. Man takes it to a whole 'notha level! When he has his tantrums do you giggle at him? My husband giggles at me, and that makes me feel like an idiot and it calms me down.

Helene said...

Came over by way of Lee's blog and you made me laugh so hard I actually snorted like a 5th grader.

My husband is very similar...only we're usually lucky enough to have our kids in the car with us at the time that mine is cursing up a storm. Then when the kids are riding bikes and one wants to get in front of the other, we hear, "Move out of my way, asshole". I suppose we should be shocked but we actually laugh most of the time. And then we bribe them with money to get them to never repeat those same words at school.

MindyMom said...

Wow. That's quite a list. But you can't blame the guy really. Oblivious, inconsiderate, idiotic drivers ARE irritating as fuck. ;)

Menopausal New Mom said...

OMG!! This was so hilarious I nearly choked on my lunch reading it Lol!

Loved it and man oh man, I need a deck of those cards for my next road trip.

Thanks for sharing, I'm gonna be following you now but not too close ;)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I think your husband is my brother..sounds like me in the car!

chiccoreal said...

The visuals are a hoot! Here's another; "Stay off my Butt, y'as*ho"e!!!" I can totally feel your pain.

Joann Mannix said...

Ummm, your husband and I could be a ROAD RAGING TEAM, Honey! Seriously, I have found my angry driving soul mate. Every year for Lent I try to give up profanity, but I cannot because I could not drive without it, especially my motherf***er.

Tracie said...

LOL! People like your husband scare me. I'm always afraid they have a gun or something.

Kat said...

This is hysterical! People with road rage scare me...but I always give them the finger and then speed off! LOL Or throw jelly beans...(kidding!) (sort of...)

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

This was an awesome post!!

I hate when people start breaking as well....and I really hate the loud music bumping at a red light...It makes my car pound. Are they fucking deaf?!!

Loved all the photos!

HeatherLynn said...

This post said every single thing I could ever mutter while driving! lol

talk about covering your bases!

funny stuff.....i think men sometimes have road rage because all the other stuff that they used to do is bad for them...excessive drinking, smoking, gambling....

so they start forming new things to take the edge off....screaming at unnoticing motorists might just be his outlet these days!



Aging Mommy said...

OMG! Hilarious! This is a really great post. This had me laughing from start to finish.

I'm not afflicted by general road rage but I confess it drives me mad when people do not indicate - I hate sitting at a T-junction waiting for cars to pass only to see them turn into the road I am coming out of meaning if only they had indicated I would not have had to sit there waiting all that time. A few choice words get muttered on such occasions I admit.

Following over from Lee's link list and am glad I did - now I need to go and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Lluvia said...


My husband says I give this hateful nasty stare when someone does any of the mentioned on your blog to me!! hehehe...!

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