I've never participated in this particular meme before but after K suggested it to me I figured I'd give it a try. I've been going through a lot of emotions recently and honestly...I don't know what to do with them. So pouring my heart out can't hurt can it?
I guess the best place to start is by telling y'all that I suffer from anxiety. I have for almost as long as I can remember. When the anxiety starts it starts a whole chain reaction of "events" that can send me in a downward spiral.
I've been telling myself for the last couple of months that I was just in "a funk." But I had to admit to myself last weekend that it's more than that. I'm dealing with some depression. Again.
Yup...I've been here before and when I look back on that time it scares me. It scares me that I'm back in this spot again.
The last time I went though this my life was out of control. I was at the very end of an abusive marriage. It was bad. Very bad. I'd also just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor had put me on anti depressants a few months before, supposedly to help with the fibro. And despite the fact that I kept telling him that I wasn't depressed.
About three months after I began taking the anti depressants something happened to me that scared the crap out of me.
One night I was up late (around 2 am) watching TV. I'd been having trouble sleeping for months. Anyway...one minute I was watching TV and the next minute I was outside. I don't remember getting up, I don't remember walking outside. I don't remember any of it.
All I know is that (it was like) I "woke up" (snapped out of it) and I realized that I was outside in the garage. Looking for a rope to hang myself with. Yeah...it freaked me out as much as it probably did you when you read it.
I've always joked with my Sisters and told them that if something ever happens to me that if I didn't die in my sleep with my make up on (looking cute) and my legs shaved....I DIDN'T DO IT. Hanging myself was not something I'd ever (seriously...not ever) thought about.
I didn't sleep for two days after that. I was scared to death. I honestly thought that I was going crazy. Can you imagine what it's like to think that you may actually be losing your mind?
I called my doctor and told him what happened. He thought it was the anti depressants that I was on at the time. So he changed them. He changed the about 7 different times. I just can't take the damn things. They make me suicidal.
I'm not the suicidal type...never have been. But especially since my Son's father committed suicide last year, it's not something I'd ever consider. I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that because I'm going through this depression right now that I'm suicidal too, I'm not.
My problem is this...since I moved to North Carolina and started seeing my doctor here we've gone round and round about my anxiety. Every time I've talked to her about the anxiety that I suffer with she's put me on anit depressants. I told her about what happened that night. I told her that they make me suicidal. She actually said that it's an allergic reaction. That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
The last time I talked to her about the anxiety she wanted me to go to therapy. I'm not opposed to therapy or anything, but I just didn't understand why she'd want me in therapy for anxiety. I've had anxiety since I was 15 years old. She had my records from Louisiana, she saw that I'd been on Xanax off and on since then. She could see (in my records) that I wasn't abusing them, and that they helped with the anxiety.
So, I just blew it off. I wasn't going to a therapist just to talk about my anxiety. That seemed so damn stupid to me. But I'm at the point now that I'll do whatever she wants me to, just to get some relief. So tomorrow morning I'm calling her to make an appointment so I can talk to her about it again.
When my anxiety gets really bad, I have a habit of turning into a recluse. I don't leave my house. And when I do that, I get depressed. It's a huge cycle for me. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of this damn anxiety. I'm sick of this damn house.
I'm ready for this to all go away, I'm ready to have a life again. Wish me luck! Whew...do I get a glass of wine now? Lol...