Pouring my heart out....

December 8, 2010

I've never participated in this particular meme before but after K suggested it to me I figured I'd give it a try. I've been going through a lot of emotions recently and honestly...I don't know what to do with them. So pouring my heart out can't hurt can it?

I guess the best place to start is by telling y'all that I suffer from anxiety. I have for almost as long as I can remember. When the anxiety starts it starts a whole chain reaction of "events" that can send me in a downward spiral.

I've been telling myself for the last couple of months that I was just in "a funk." But I had to admit to myself last weekend that it's more than that. I'm dealing with some depression. Again.

Yup...I've been here before and when I look back on that time it scares me. It scares me that I'm back in this spot again.

The last time I went though this my life was out of control. I was at the very end of an abusive marriage. It was bad. Very bad. I'd also just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor had put me on anti depressants a few months before, supposedly to help with the fibro. And despite the fact that I kept telling him that I wasn't depressed.

About three months after I began taking the anti depressants something happened to me that scared the crap out of me.

One night I was up late (around 2 am) watching TV. I'd been having trouble sleeping for months. Anyway...one minute I was watching TV and the next minute I was outside. I don't remember getting up, I don't remember walking outside. I don't remember any of it.

All I know is that (it was like) I "woke up" (snapped out of it) and I realized that I was outside in the garage. Looking for a rope to hang myself with. Yeah...it freaked me out as much as it probably did you when you read it.

I've always joked with my Sisters and told them that if something ever happens to me that if I didn't die in my sleep with my make up on (looking cute) and my legs shaved....I DIDN'T DO IT. Hanging myself was not something I'd ever (seriously...not ever) thought about.

I didn't sleep for two days after that. I was scared to death. I honestly thought that I was going crazy. Can you imagine what it's like to think that you may actually be losing your mind?

I called my doctor and told him what happened. He thought it was the anti depressants that I was on at the time. So he changed them. He changed the about 7 different times. I just can't take the damn things. They make me suicidal.

I'm not the suicidal type...never have been. But especially since my Son's father committed suicide last year, it's not something I'd ever consider.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that because I'm going through this depression right now that I'm suicidal too, I'm not.

My problem is this...since I moved to North Carolina and started seeing my doctor here we've gone round and round about my anxiety. Every time I've talked to her about the anxiety that I suffer with she's put me on anit depressants. I told her about what happened that night. I told her that they make me suicidal. She actually said that it's an allergic reaction. That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

The last time I talked to her about the anxiety she wanted  me to go to therapy. I'm not opposed to therapy or anything, but I just didn't understand why she'd want me in therapy for anxiety. I've had anxiety since I was 15 years old. She had my records from Louisiana, she saw that I'd been on Xanax off and on since then. She could see (in my records) that I wasn't abusing them, and that they helped with the anxiety.

So, I just blew it off. I wasn't going to a therapist just to talk about my anxiety. That seemed so damn stupid to me. But I'm at the point now that I'll do whatever she wants me to, just to get some relief. So tomorrow morning I'm calling her to make an appointment so I can talk to her about it again.

When my anxiety gets really bad, I have a habit of turning into a recluse. I don't leave my house. And when I do that, I get depressed. It's a huge cycle for me. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of this damn anxiety. I'm sick of this damn house.

I'm ready for this to all go away, I'm ready to have a life again. Wish me luck! Whew...do I get a glass of wine now? Lol...


Dee Stephens said...

It may sound stupid but as I've told you before my Mom has gone through similar stuff. Fibro, depression, etc.
Three things:
* Diet -- maybe gluten free? Diet does help
* Hormones -- have they checked them?
* last but not least -- I would check into alternative medicine and acupuncture.

Shell said...

Aw, sweetie. I hope that you can find something that helps. It's been a long time since I've gone through a serious depression...at least, that is what I tell myself and claim to just be in a funk lately.

Sometimes the things that doctors come up with...I'll never understand it.

Gen said...

glass of wine? sounds more like a daiquiri night to me! hang in there, and remind yourself of the people that love you...bet you'll smile for a few...;) if not, picture them naked...then you'll lol!

MiMi said...

I hate how dr's always want us to do therapy for anxiety. Hello. I don't need therapy, I need this pretty little oval pill...you might have heard of it...? LOL
Also. When I get depressed it takes me a long time to realize that's what it is.
I go around thinking I'm in a funk...and then it hits me in the face...YOU ARE DEPRESSED. And I'm always surprised. LOL

That One Mom said...

How scary! I've heard of people reacting to anti-depressants that way. I know someone that almost slit their wrists and their cat startled them out of their trance and saved their life. You're not crazy, luvah! I'm not sure what they do in therapy for anxiety, but I'm glad you're getting help! Love you!

Aleta said...

OMG, when I read about you being in the garage to hang yourself and waking up from it, without knowing you were there.... no freaking way would I take meds like that again. Every time you hear about anti-depressants on a commercial, they say, "If you get suicidal thoughts, talk to your doctor immediately." Which to me is a strange thing - that anti-depressants can't be anti-depressants if they could lead to suicidal thoughts! Why put people on them?!

I'd suggest that you look into a list of doctors that your insurance covers and get a new doctor. Find someone who will listen to you and help you through this. I'm glad you wrote about this. Sometimes it helps to get it out in the open and get the support that you need.

Sending hugs from Louisiana

Michelle said...

I suffer from Depression and Anxiety too. I have been on a ton of different meds for the depression, and two of them made me suicidal too. It was like you said, it was kind of surreal because that's just not me. But I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. 7 months ago I tried a new med and I had to be hospitalized for 5 days. I have found a combination of medications that seem to be working for me now, and I am so grateful for that.

As for the anxiety meds, I think you should try another doctor. I have been taking Ativan when necessary. My doctor recognizes that I don't have an addicitve personality and I do not abuse it, so she gives me a prescription every month, with no problem. Some months I don't even need a new prescription because I haven't used it up from the last month. I don't know it you are seeing a psychiatrist or a general doctor, but I have much better luck with a pysch. They are more knowledgeable about drugs and more willing to let me take what I know works for me.

Anyway, sorry to hijack your comments. I hope you find some relief for the anxiety. It's no fun at all.

Louisiana Belle said...

Hugs to you. My son is going through something similar. The doctor put him on anti-depressants because he had trouble sleeping. Long story short, we almost lost him right before Thanksgiving but he revived enough to call someone. He had taken an overdose of another medication.

I took anti-depressants several years ago and they did help me, but I've heard too many horror stories lately and I'm so glad I weaned myself off them.

Sounds like you might want to find a more understanding doctor. I wish you the best!

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