Winner, Winner, Scentsy Winner and Other Random Stuff

Ok, I realize my title sounds cheesy as hell but it's all I could come up with in a rush lol. This morning I (well actually random.org did all the work) picked the winner of my Scentsy giveaway. And the winner is...

Countrygirl185! Congrats Jessica! You're going to LOVE your Scentsy warmer. I know I do mine.

Ok, on to other randomness of the day. I got up early (the butt crack of dawn tyvm) to get ready for school. I was in class for five minutes when a woman rushes into our class and says "everyone out NOW!" You don't have to tell me twice people. There were cops everywhere and school was closed for the rest of the day. I'm not sure whats going on but I overheard some of the cops saying that they're searching for someone and something about tracing an email. I'm guessing someone sent a threatening email to the school. Its sad when you (adults at the school) have to worry about this type of thing. What a waste of a cute outfit. Lol I'm only kidding. I'm hoping that everyone's OK and that they resolve whatever it is that's going on!

I just found out that a friend from home committed suicide this past weekend. Y'all know that since my ex (Rusty's Dad) committed suicide that it's a sensitive subject for me (the selfishness of it all) but my heart breaks for this guy. His Dad had committed suicide years ago (he was maybe 1 or 2) so I can't imagine what could have been going on in his life to drive him to this. Such a sad situation.

I'm no longer a blond. I decided that after trying to dye my own hair (NEVER a good idea people) blond and having my roots turn red while the rest of my hair turned blond that I just needed to go back (or close) to my "natural" color.

 {this is gonna take a bit of getting used to}

That's all of my randomness for the day. I've got a date with some math homework. Wish me luck, one of us (math and I) may just hurt the other today.  

Do NOT Mess With a Momma Bear

I realize that I talk about my Son a lot. He's my life and there's nothing I'd ever do to change that. Some people think that I'm too wrapped up in his life. They're entitled to their opinion. EFF YOU!

What are you supposed to do when you know your kid is hurting, that they're depressed and you live too damn far away to be there for them?

Remember about a week ago when I wrote (this post) about my Son and his "new" (they'd been dating for a few months by the time he told me) girlfriend? Well apparently things aren't going so good for them and it's killing me because my kid is taking it hard and I live too damn far away, I can't be there for him.

Rusty works hard, I know I've mentioned this before. When you work anywhere from 80-130 hours a week it's hard to find someone you can trust. I talked to him the other day and he was telling me that the last few times he'd talked to her he could tell something was up. That she was acting "different."

See, all the guys that he works with have had girlfriends/wives cheat on them. The hours they work, the amount of time that they're away from home is usually to blame for this. He's seen this. So when he realized that she acting different it had his mind going a thousand miles an hour. It was killing him. And him being a couple of hundred miles away at work wasn't helping him.

I told him not to do that to himself, to just not think about it and when he got home if she was still acting the same then they could see if they could work it out.

Well apparently when he got home from offshore it didn't go so good. I haven't talked to him since he got home so I don't know what's going on with them but from what he's posted on FB, I'm guessing they broke up. And he's not taking it so good. I tried to call him yesterday but he didn't answer, I texted him last night. No reply. He'll get a nice ear chewing for this when I do hear from him lol.

I can see now that my kid is that guy, the "nice guy." The one all the girls want to be "just friends" with. Which means he's going to go through a lot of heart ache.

He told me when we were talking about the bitch girlfriend that he'd told her he wasn't the kind of guy who wanted to date someone for two weeks and then break up. That he wanted to be in a relationship. I think that's where the problem is.

He's young y'all. He's only 21. But all of his friends are in serious relationships or are married. He doesn't want to do the whole partying thing. Since he was 18 he's had one goal. He wants to own a home by the time he's 25. That should tell you what kind of a guy he is.

I mean, it's a good goal for him to have. But I doubt he's going to meet many girls his age who have goals like his. Most kids his age are only interested in partyin'! Sometimes I wish he could just "let go" a little bit and enjoy life a little more.  
 
So what has me so worried?  I woke up this morning and this is his status on FB..." Wish you were still here dad. I could really use some of your advice." Uugh...it was like a knife to my heart. His Dad committed suicide almost two years ago. So to see that on FB made me panic. Especially since Rusty wasn't answering my phone calls last night.
 
There's this couple that he hangs around with a lot when he's home, they take really good care of him, they look out for him. If they go out and he gets drunk, they drive him home. If he needs something taken care of while he's offshore, they do it for him.

I sent Corinne (the wife) a message on FB this morning and asked her if they'd heard from him. They hadn't but her husband called Rusty and asked him if he wanted to go to dinner with him tonight. So she sent me a message to let me know he's ok. Whew. Thank God for her!

I know that Rusty would never hurt himself. Because of his Dad's suicide he has very strong opinions about the subject. But because he wasn't answering my calls or replying to my text I was damn near panicking.


I'm so pissed right now. I'm pissed that his Dad was so selfish that he picked up that damn gun and killed himself. Especially seeing that my Son needs his Dad right now. God forbid he thought more about someone else (you know, HIS KIDS) than he did himself.

I'm pissed that this girl hurt my son. Why is it that (most) girls would prefer a guy who's going to treat them like shit over the "nice guy?" It's probably a good thing that I don't live there, she'd have a Momma bear on her ass. Lol. I wish I was joking.If there's one thing you need to know about Cajun mothers, it's that you NEVER eva mess with their kids. It's how we were raised so when we have kids of our own...we're the same way.

I'm pissed that I live too damn far away to be there for him. Am I too wrapped up in his life? There is no such thing. He's my kid. Am I not supposed to care about what's going on in his life? That he's hurting? It doesn't matter how old your kids are (in my opinion) they'll always be your "babies."

I'm pissed I can't give him a hug right now. That's all I want to do, is just hug him and make all his "hurt" go away.

It's not so funny is it??

I know that most of you are used to the "funnier" side of me so I'm going to apologize in advance for the Debbie downer'ish nature of today's entry. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be back to my normal, quirky self.

I've been going through something, to be honest with you I don't even know what to call "it." Well, not until yesterday anyway. I just haven't been feeling myself. Like I've been "removed" from myself. God...I hate even trying to explain it because every time I do it sounds dumb as hell. Trust me, Mr Man has been asking me for the last couple of days what's going on with me...I just don't know how to explain it.

At first I thought it was just a really bad case of  fibro fog, but I thought it couldn't last this long but I read that article (the link) this morning and found out that it can when I googled it to put the link in here for it). But I still don't think that's what it is.

Remember how I said I'd stopped taking my meds a while back and that I had to start them back up again? One of the meds I'm on is Paxil (for anxiety...I don't know why my Dr just wont give me Xanax's and get it over with! I know they work!!). Well I was thinking about that today and I realized that when I was on it years ago it made me lethargic, depressed almost to the point of being suicidal and it made me hallucinate (not in the trippy way that you would if you were on acid, not that I know anything about that lol). I told my current Dr this but she said that they probably had me on the wrong dosage, she'd never heard of anyone having all of those side effects.

I know that this is a good part of what's wrong with me. As of today...I'm not taking that shit anymore. The last time medicine made me feel like this I got out of my bed at 1am and went outside, I didn't know for what I started looking around in our garage, through all of my ex's tools and hunting stuff. I didn't know how long I'd been out there. All I know is all of a sudden it's like I "snapped out of it" and realized that I was looking for a rope...to hang myself with. This is gonna sound crazy but it almost felt like I was in a trance, like I wasn't in control of what I was doing.I sobbed....for hours.  It scared me worse than anything I'd ever been through up until that point, and trust me...I've been through A LOT.

That was one of the single most defining moments of my life. I'd NEVER had thoughts like that before. Hell I'd always joked with my sisters and said that if anything ever happened to me and they said it was suicide, if I passed away any way other than OD'ing on sleeping pills, I DIDN'T DO IT! Lmao...(Cause hell, if you're gonna do it...why not go to sleep and never wake up??) I swore I'd never let myself get like that again.

So yeah, I'm not taking that shit anymore. But that's not all that's wrong with me. I know I'm a little depressed for reasons not even connected to the meds.

I'm lonely, I miss my family, my friends, hell everyone back home! I get like this usually when it's been 6 months or longer since I've gone back for a visit. I could go home tomorrow for a visit, but I'm trying to wait until September before I go. It's the one time of year that I know my (globe trotting) sister and her husband will be in town. I always seem to miss them when I go home...they're always on some exotic trip/cruise or another. I'm starting to get a complex I know they'll be home because it's during the sugar cane festival, and their restaurant/bar is super busy during this time so they can't just go galavantin' all over the world at this time!!

If I wait until September like I'm planning to, then I'll also be there for my Mom's birthday. I haven't been able to visit my Mom's grave on her birthday since I moved. I'm looking forward to that...OK that sounded nuts didn't it? Lol...you know what I mean! I means a lot to me to be able to go on her birthday.

But yeah...I'm lonely for a little female companionship, for someone (here) to confide in, for someone to hang out with and just be me. Like I used to do with my big Sister Denise and her bestie Melly Mel (Melanie) before I moved. We used to get together once, and sometimes twice if one of us was having a bad day, a week for the "Tuesday Night Book Club on Wednesday's."

Lol...I'm not sure how we came up with that name. More than likely Melly Mel said it and it just stuck. Lmao...we didn't read any books, that was just our "excuse" for getting together. At first we called it our Tuesday night bible study on Wednesday's...but that just didn't seem right lol.

We would sit outside under my sister's patio in these really cool hanging "hammock chairs" that she has and just share a bottle (or four) of wine, a few stories, and a million laughs. It was so relaxing...well other than the notorious Louisiana mosquito's trying to eat you alive. It was so fun to just sit around and enjoy the company of a couple of really cool chicks never tell my Sister I said she's cool and laugh and joke around.

I miss it. I miss just sitting around with some cool chicks, shootin' the shit...laughing and joking. I have never had trouble making friends before..not until I moved here. I've been in NC for almost four years and I still can't say that I have a "best friend" here. There's one girl (that I used to work with) who will come by from time to time, we get together and go shopping or tanning every now and then. But she's young (23)...I'm 40 we're on two totally different levels.

Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. I love that she comes to me for advice. I love that she loves my jambalaya so much that she wont even ask me for the recipe because she knows she'll never cook it as good as I do (bless her heart, I love her for that one). I love that she usually raids my closet and nail polish every time she comes by.

I'm sure that most of you that are my age (or older hehe) can understand what I mean. I would just like to meet a few women who were closer to my age and that I had more in common with. When I hang out with Jess I usually end up just feeling like "the old chick!" Which kinda defeats the purpose lol.

Wow...I didn't realize how long this has gotten. Sorry about that. Let me just say, this wasn't meant as one of those "woe is me" entries. I guess I didn't realize how bad I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do just that!

OK...stop playing your fucking violins for me, you're giving me a fucking headache...someone crack a joke PLEASE!! Lol...