Pouring my heart out....

I've never participated in this particular meme before but after K suggested it to me I figured I'd give it a try. I've been going through a lot of emotions recently and honestly...I don't know what to do with them. So pouring my heart out can't hurt can it?

I guess the best place to start is by telling y'all that I suffer from anxiety. I have for almost as long as I can remember. When the anxiety starts it starts a whole chain reaction of "events" that can send me in a downward spiral.

I've been telling myself for the last couple of months that I was just in "a funk." But I had to admit to myself last weekend that it's more than that. I'm dealing with some depression. Again.

Yup...I've been here before and when I look back on that time it scares me. It scares me that I'm back in this spot again.

The last time I went though this my life was out of control. I was at the very end of an abusive marriage. It was bad. Very bad. I'd also just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor had put me on anti depressants a few months before, supposedly to help with the fibro. And despite the fact that I kept telling him that I wasn't depressed.

About three months after I began taking the anti depressants something happened to me that scared the crap out of me.

One night I was up late (around 2 am) watching TV. I'd been having trouble sleeping for months. Anyway...one minute I was watching TV and the next minute I was outside. I don't remember getting up, I don't remember walking outside. I don't remember any of it.

All I know is that (it was like) I "woke up" (snapped out of it) and I realized that I was outside in the garage. Looking for a rope to hang myself with. Yeah...it freaked me out as much as it probably did you when you read it.

I've always joked with my Sisters and told them that if something ever happens to me that if I didn't die in my sleep with my make up on (looking cute) and my legs shaved....I DIDN'T DO IT. Hanging myself was not something I'd ever (seriously...not ever) thought about.

I didn't sleep for two days after that. I was scared to death. I honestly thought that I was going crazy. Can you imagine what it's like to think that you may actually be losing your mind?

I called my doctor and told him what happened. He thought it was the anti depressants that I was on at the time. So he changed them. He changed the about 7 different times. I just can't take the damn things. They make me suicidal.

I'm not the suicidal type...never have been. But especially since my Son's father committed suicide last year, it's not something I'd ever consider.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that because I'm going through this depression right now that I'm suicidal too, I'm not.

My problem is this...since I moved to North Carolina and started seeing my doctor here we've gone round and round about my anxiety. Every time I've talked to her about the anxiety that I suffer with she's put me on anit depressants. I told her about what happened that night. I told her that they make me suicidal. She actually said that it's an allergic reaction. That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

The last time I talked to her about the anxiety she wanted  me to go to therapy. I'm not opposed to therapy or anything, but I just didn't understand why she'd want me in therapy for anxiety. I've had anxiety since I was 15 years old. She had my records from Louisiana, she saw that I'd been on Xanax off and on since then. She could see (in my records) that I wasn't abusing them, and that they helped with the anxiety.

So, I just blew it off. I wasn't going to a therapist just to talk about my anxiety. That seemed so damn stupid to me. But I'm at the point now that I'll do whatever she wants me to, just to get some relief. So tomorrow morning I'm calling her to make an appointment so I can talk to her about it again.

When my anxiety gets really bad, I have a habit of turning into a recluse. I don't leave my house. And when I do that, I get depressed. It's a huge cycle for me. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of this damn anxiety. I'm sick of this damn house.

I'm ready for this to all go away, I'm ready to have a life again. Wish me luck! Whew...do I get a glass of wine now? Lol...

It's not so funny is it??

I know that most of you are used to the "funnier" side of me so I'm going to apologize in advance for the Debbie downer'ish nature of today's entry. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be back to my normal, quirky self.

I've been going through something, to be honest with you I don't even know what to call "it." Well, not until yesterday anyway. I just haven't been feeling myself. Like I've been "removed" from myself. God...I hate even trying to explain it because every time I do it sounds dumb as hell. Trust me, Mr Man has been asking me for the last couple of days what's going on with me...I just don't know how to explain it.

At first I thought it was just a really bad case of  fibro fog, but I thought it couldn't last this long but I read that article (the link) this morning and found out that it can when I googled it to put the link in here for it). But I still don't think that's what it is.

Remember how I said I'd stopped taking my meds a while back and that I had to start them back up again? One of the meds I'm on is Paxil (for anxiety...I don't know why my Dr just wont give me Xanax's and get it over with! I know they work!!). Well I was thinking about that today and I realized that when I was on it years ago it made me lethargic, depressed almost to the point of being suicidal and it made me hallucinate (not in the trippy way that you would if you were on acid, not that I know anything about that lol). I told my current Dr this but she said that they probably had me on the wrong dosage, she'd never heard of anyone having all of those side effects.

I know that this is a good part of what's wrong with me. As of today...I'm not taking that shit anymore. The last time medicine made me feel like this I got out of my bed at 1am and went outside, I didn't know for what I started looking around in our garage, through all of my ex's tools and hunting stuff. I didn't know how long I'd been out there. All I know is all of a sudden it's like I "snapped out of it" and realized that I was looking for a rope...to hang myself with. This is gonna sound crazy but it almost felt like I was in a trance, like I wasn't in control of what I was doing.I sobbed....for hours.  It scared me worse than anything I'd ever been through up until that point, and trust me...I've been through A LOT.

That was one of the single most defining moments of my life. I'd NEVER had thoughts like that before. Hell I'd always joked with my sisters and said that if anything ever happened to me and they said it was suicide, if I passed away any way other than OD'ing on sleeping pills, I DIDN'T DO IT! Lmao...(Cause hell, if you're gonna do it...why not go to sleep and never wake up??) I swore I'd never let myself get like that again.

So yeah, I'm not taking that shit anymore. But that's not all that's wrong with me. I know I'm a little depressed for reasons not even connected to the meds.

I'm lonely, I miss my family, my friends, hell everyone back home! I get like this usually when it's been 6 months or longer since I've gone back for a visit. I could go home tomorrow for a visit, but I'm trying to wait until September before I go. It's the one time of year that I know my (globe trotting) sister and her husband will be in town. I always seem to miss them when I go home...they're always on some exotic trip/cruise or another. I'm starting to get a complex I know they'll be home because it's during the sugar cane festival, and their restaurant/bar is super busy during this time so they can't just go galavantin' all over the world at this time!!

If I wait until September like I'm planning to, then I'll also be there for my Mom's birthday. I haven't been able to visit my Mom's grave on her birthday since I moved. I'm looking forward to that...OK that sounded nuts didn't it? Lol...you know what I mean! I means a lot to me to be able to go on her birthday.

But yeah...I'm lonely for a little female companionship, for someone (here) to confide in, for someone to hang out with and just be me. Like I used to do with my big Sister Denise and her bestie Melly Mel (Melanie) before I moved. We used to get together once, and sometimes twice if one of us was having a bad day, a week for the "Tuesday Night Book Club on Wednesday's."

Lol...I'm not sure how we came up with that name. More than likely Melly Mel said it and it just stuck. Lmao...we didn't read any books, that was just our "excuse" for getting together. At first we called it our Tuesday night bible study on Wednesday's...but that just didn't seem right lol.

We would sit outside under my sister's patio in these really cool hanging "hammock chairs" that she has and just share a bottle (or four) of wine, a few stories, and a million laughs. It was so relaxing...well other than the notorious Louisiana mosquito's trying to eat you alive. It was so fun to just sit around and enjoy the company of a couple of really cool chicks never tell my Sister I said she's cool and laugh and joke around.

I miss it. I miss just sitting around with some cool chicks, shootin' the shit...laughing and joking. I have never had trouble making friends before..not until I moved here. I've been in NC for almost four years and I still can't say that I have a "best friend" here. There's one girl (that I used to work with) who will come by from time to time, we get together and go shopping or tanning every now and then. But she's young (23)...I'm 40 we're on two totally different levels.

Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. I love that she comes to me for advice. I love that she loves my jambalaya so much that she wont even ask me for the recipe because she knows she'll never cook it as good as I do (bless her heart, I love her for that one). I love that she usually raids my closet and nail polish every time she comes by.

I'm sure that most of you that are my age (or older hehe) can understand what I mean. I would just like to meet a few women who were closer to my age and that I had more in common with. When I hang out with Jess I usually end up just feeling like "the old chick!" Which kinda defeats the purpose lol.

Wow...I didn't realize how long this has gotten. Sorry about that. Let me just say, this wasn't meant as one of those "woe is me" entries. I guess I didn't realize how bad I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do just that!

OK...stop playing your fucking violins for me, you're giving me a fucking headache...someone crack a joke PLEASE!! Lol...