Pouring my heart out....

I've never participated in this particular meme before but after K suggested it to me I figured I'd give it a try. I've been going through a lot of emotions recently and honestly...I don't know what to do with them. So pouring my heart out can't hurt can it?

I guess the best place to start is by telling y'all that I suffer from anxiety. I have for almost as long as I can remember. When the anxiety starts it starts a whole chain reaction of "events" that can send me in a downward spiral.

I've been telling myself for the last couple of months that I was just in "a funk." But I had to admit to myself last weekend that it's more than that. I'm dealing with some depression. Again.

Yup...I've been here before and when I look back on that time it scares me. It scares me that I'm back in this spot again.

The last time I went though this my life was out of control. I was at the very end of an abusive marriage. It was bad. Very bad. I'd also just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor had put me on anti depressants a few months before, supposedly to help with the fibro. And despite the fact that I kept telling him that I wasn't depressed.

About three months after I began taking the anti depressants something happened to me that scared the crap out of me.

One night I was up late (around 2 am) watching TV. I'd been having trouble sleeping for months. Anyway...one minute I was watching TV and the next minute I was outside. I don't remember getting up, I don't remember walking outside. I don't remember any of it.

All I know is that (it was like) I "woke up" (snapped out of it) and I realized that I was outside in the garage. Looking for a rope to hang myself with. Yeah...it freaked me out as much as it probably did you when you read it.

I've always joked with my Sisters and told them that if something ever happens to me that if I didn't die in my sleep with my make up on (looking cute) and my legs shaved....I DIDN'T DO IT. Hanging myself was not something I'd ever (seriously...not ever) thought about.

I didn't sleep for two days after that. I was scared to death. I honestly thought that I was going crazy. Can you imagine what it's like to think that you may actually be losing your mind?

I called my doctor and told him what happened. He thought it was the anti depressants that I was on at the time. So he changed them. He changed the about 7 different times. I just can't take the damn things. They make me suicidal.

I'm not the suicidal type...never have been. But especially since my Son's father committed suicide last year, it's not something I'd ever consider.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that because I'm going through this depression right now that I'm suicidal too, I'm not.

My problem is this...since I moved to North Carolina and started seeing my doctor here we've gone round and round about my anxiety. Every time I've talked to her about the anxiety that I suffer with she's put me on anit depressants. I told her about what happened that night. I told her that they make me suicidal. She actually said that it's an allergic reaction. That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

The last time I talked to her about the anxiety she wanted  me to go to therapy. I'm not opposed to therapy or anything, but I just didn't understand why she'd want me in therapy for anxiety. I've had anxiety since I was 15 years old. She had my records from Louisiana, she saw that I'd been on Xanax off and on since then. She could see (in my records) that I wasn't abusing them, and that they helped with the anxiety.

So, I just blew it off. I wasn't going to a therapist just to talk about my anxiety. That seemed so damn stupid to me. But I'm at the point now that I'll do whatever she wants me to, just to get some relief. So tomorrow morning I'm calling her to make an appointment so I can talk to her about it again.

When my anxiety gets really bad, I have a habit of turning into a recluse. I don't leave my house. And when I do that, I get depressed. It's a huge cycle for me. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of this damn anxiety. I'm sick of this damn house.

I'm ready for this to all go away, I'm ready to have a life again. Wish me luck! Whew...do I get a glass of wine now? Lol...

Fa que and your girl friend too!

I should be in bed. I should be sleeping. I'm so tired I can't see straight, really. I didn't sleep last night. Yup, those days are back again. I was doing so good, going to bed and falling asleep by 11 every night with no meds. And now here I am, back to not sleeping at all at least once a week.

I know what's causing it. Stress. I can't really go into what's causing the stress, prying eyes and all. I've always been the kind of person who holds shit in until I explode. Do you hear the ticking yet? Yeah...I'm that close. The anxiety attacks have started again too. Yeah me.

Can I just say that I'm in love with fall though? Don hates when our yard gets covered in leaves, I love it. I love looking outside and seeing all those gorgeous colors.  It just makes me happy, makes me smile!!

Want to know what else makes me smile??? Oh...you know you do! It's this...this song! As much as I love the words and could think of quite a few people I could "dedicate" it to...I love the music! It's upbeat and happy music! Makes me smile every time I hear it!! Enjoy y'all!

I Don't Know Anymore, I Just Don't Know!

I got a text message from my oldest Sister today, basically telling me off. Because (apparently) I didn't answer my phone when she called. Don and I were both sitting here, my phone never rang. The text message was nasty. Very nasty. I was told to fuck off. I was told that I am selfish, that I live a "privileged" life, that it's not fair that I can have a life but she can't. I was told that I'm a horrible Sister and Daughter.

Needless to say, it pissed me the fuck off. I tried to call her but she just answered her phone screaming at me and then hung up on me. I tried to call my Dad to see what in the hell was going on, to make sure he's ok.  She answered his phone and went off on me (I couldn't get a word in) for over 10 minutes before hanging up on me.

She's stressed out over money. She's stressed out because my Dad can (totally) be an ass sometimes. I've tried to help her as much as I can but I live in NC, they're all in LA. There's not a whole lot I can do from here.

I get it but I just don't get it. I understand her stress. In fact, I've let her call me and just vent any time she feels the need to. Because it felt like one of the few things that I could do to "help."

She actually said to me (today when she was going off on me) "You're the one that fuckin' wanted him to move from Hawaii to Louisiana in the first place, you BEGGED me to get him to move down here!!!"

WTF?? First of all, I didn't beg her to do a fuckin' thing.  I most certainly did not beg her to talk my Father into moving down there. And even if I did, so what?

Seriously, I could go into the whole drawn out (3 fucking phone call) argument, but it doesn't even matter. It just pisses me off. I'm so used to her throwing it up in my face that I never do anything to help her that when she was having trouble helping Daddy pay his electricity  bill, I asked Don if we could send the money to pay the bill. We paid the entire bill, not just her half. Don didn't even think twice, he just wrote the check. When she called me depressed because she had a date and didn't have any nice clothes to wear I went through my clothes and sent her two HUGE boxes of clothes (jeans, shirts, shorts, dresses, pj's, shoes and even a gallon ziplock bag full of make up) that cost us almost $60 to send. I'm so over it.

I've got a ticket to go home in September for two weeks. I could kick my ass for the two weeks. I mean, my Son is going to be working a good portion of the time that I'll be there so I was planning on spending some major time with my Sisters. But I don't even want to talk to my oldest sister at this point.

The anxiety is back FULL FORCE. My chest feels like there's an elephant sitting on it. I just don't know how to handle her anymore. I don't know what she expects from me anymore.

There's so much more going on with me, some things I'm trying to sort through that I'm not comfortable "talking" about here. So that's just more shit that I've got to hold in.

Family...who said you always have to love them?

Wasn't me...Or I'm not myself these days!

I just found out that there has been an oil drilling platform explosion in the Gulf of Mexico, off the coast of Louisiana. Please, please pray for  all of these oilfield workers and their families!! So far there have been no deaths reported, but there are 8 injured people and 15 missing.  Please pray for all involved.

I haven't been myself lately. I know this. My blog knows this. Mr Luvah Luvah knows this. My fuckin' pugs know this. These damn antidepressants that my Dr keeps insisting on putting me on for my anxiety are draining the liveliness right out of me.  They're stealing my spunk. They're stealing everything that makes me, well...ME!!

They're stealing my blogging mojo damn it! I feel like I'm Jesse and Chester in "Dude, where's my car?" running around trying to find it! Under the couch cushions? Nope! Not there! In the junk drawer? Nope! Not there either damn it! I can promise you...it is NOT SWEET....not at all.

WHERE IS MY BLOGGING MOJO DAMN IT? Give it the fuck back....NOW! I'm not above breaking a couple of knees!

I had (have) this huge entry written up about my meds and what they're doing to me, but decided against sharing them...today. Just not in the mood for it I guess. This frickin' "blahhhness" that I'm going through is so NOT me and it's getting to me.

I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and say "I give up!" To quit taking the depression meds and just live with the anxiety damn it. Either way...I feel like I'm screwed. And if I'm gonna get screwed...someone needs to be pullin' my hair damn it! Lmao!!!

I've come to some realizations about blog land. Some good. Some not. I realized that I was letting others make choices for me. Make no mistake about what I just said in that previous sentence. Emphasis on the I was letting. Totally my own fault, no one Else's. Please...out of respect, and my hatred of the drama llama, don't ask who/what I'm talking about...I wont tell you. It doesn't matter. What matters was the fact that I was letting someone elses opinion sway my thoughts, my choices.

I've also realized that if you're gone for a little while, if your life gets "busy" and you're unable to read and comment like you normally do, then you're likely to lose some followers. You'll definitely lose a lot of the comments that you'd normally get. No matter how much people say they'll understand, most (it seems) don't.

It's OK...this blog has never been about how many followers I could get, or how many comments. It's about my love of writing. My need to "get it out" when some thing's bothering me. Don't get me wrong...I loves the comments, so keep 'em coming lol. But if I lost every single one today, I'd still write in my blog.

Since I HATE being "Negative Nancy" and I have nothing pressing on my mind today I've decided to leave y'all with some questions, if you'd like to answer them cool, if not....that's cool too! Pick one...pick all...whatever, pick how ever many you'd like. There's no rules here.  And I'll answer them as well. What fun would it be if I didn't play along?

What song best describes you when you first wake up in the morning?
This is an easy one!! I'm so NOT a morning person!! It would have to be....
Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit
Don't know the song? Here's a sampling of the lyrics:

Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!!(there are a few bars between this line and the next one that I'm putting!)

And if my day keeps goin' this way
I just might break your fuckin' face tonight (or this morning)!!

Now if, on the off chance, I happen to wake up in a good mood in the morning, I'd say One Love by Bob Marley. Just puts ya in a good mood ya know??

Are you always early or terminally late?
ALWAYS early! I can't stand being late. The only time I'm ever late for anything is if I had car trouble or if the traffic was horrilbe...I try to leave early enough to allow for traffic though! And I'll be damned if I didn't go and marry an ex sailor, he's worse than me about being late! "If you're not 15 minutes early, you're LATE!

If you have children (if you don't...sorry!) who do you hope they turn out to be more like? You or your spouse?

Considering the fact that I'm the only one of his "real" parents who's ever been in his life, he really doesn' t have much of a choice other than to be like me. Thank God!

Which one of your parents would you say you turned out to be more like?
My Mom. Mostly. There are parts of Daddy in there too. But I'm more like my Mom and I love it. She was good people yo!!

P.S. Mr Luvah Luvah....thank you so much for loving me the way you do, so perfectly, so sweetly, so deeply. I'm sorry that I've been worrying you. I don't mean to. I know I haven't been myself lately, I'm trying...really I am! I love you, more than I've ever known possible to love anyone. You're the second greatest gift God ever brought into my life. I would be utterly lost without you.

What the hell happened to my Mojo? Have you seen it??

Ahhh sleep makes me such a happier person lol. Though I've had to get up before 6 am the last two days I've finally gotten some sleep and am feeling much more like myself.

I had an appointment with my GP doctor this morning, just a check up since the last change in my meds. I told her about me quitting the Paxil and about the "suicidal thoughts" it was making me have...can you believe that she actually wrote in my chart that it was an allergic reaction to the medicine???

Honestly, I don't understand the doctors here in North Carolina...they're totally different from the dr's in Louisiana! Because of my general anxiety my doctor (here) is making me go see a counselor! That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I've told her (my dr) that I don't want a med that I'm gonna have to take everyday for anxiety, I just want something that I can have on hand when I do start having anxiety attacks. All she keeps going on about is the addictiveness (is that a word?? lol) of all the anxiety meds. I'm getting frustrated...but I'll play along and go to the damn counselor. Whatevs! It's not like there's a great selection of dr's in this podunk town!

I've been feeling live I've lost my blog writing mojo! I'm not sure why...just haven't felt like what I'd have to say would matter to y'all...or make much sense lol. I'm making myself write though. My blog has been a great way for me to express myself! I'm gonna keep on keepin' on!

In my entry on Tuesday I had to list 10 things about me that you might not know because of an award, one of the things that I posted was that I have 7 piercings and that I want at least one more. I've had several inquiries about where the piercings are...lmao you're a curious bunch! My ears are pierced twice on each side, I have my tragus on my left ear pierced, in case you're not sure what I'm talking about here's a pic I found on Google...

I also had the tragus on my left side pierced but it wouldn't heal right so I had to take it out...that's the one I want to get done again, my nose is pierced and so my navel. Haha...believe it or not I used to have my eyebrow and my tongue pierced too, those looked tacky as hell on me so I took them out. It's funny that a couple of people commented that I don't look like the "type" who would have body piercings! I love that!

Well guys, hope you all have a good day! Much love!

It's not so funny is it??

I know that most of you are used to the "funnier" side of me so I'm going to apologize in advance for the Debbie downer'ish nature of today's entry. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be back to my normal, quirky self.

I've been going through something, to be honest with you I don't even know what to call "it." Well, not until yesterday anyway. I just haven't been feeling myself. Like I've been "removed" from myself. God...I hate even trying to explain it because every time I do it sounds dumb as hell. Trust me, Mr Man has been asking me for the last couple of days what's going on with me...I just don't know how to explain it.

At first I thought it was just a really bad case of  fibro fog, but I thought it couldn't last this long but I read that article (the link) this morning and found out that it can when I googled it to put the link in here for it). But I still don't think that's what it is.

Remember how I said I'd stopped taking my meds a while back and that I had to start them back up again? One of the meds I'm on is Paxil (for anxiety...I don't know why my Dr just wont give me Xanax's and get it over with! I know they work!!). Well I was thinking about that today and I realized that when I was on it years ago it made me lethargic, depressed almost to the point of being suicidal and it made me hallucinate (not in the trippy way that you would if you were on acid, not that I know anything about that lol). I told my current Dr this but she said that they probably had me on the wrong dosage, she'd never heard of anyone having all of those side effects.

I know that this is a good part of what's wrong with me. As of today...I'm not taking that shit anymore. The last time medicine made me feel like this I got out of my bed at 1am and went outside, I didn't know for what I started looking around in our garage, through all of my ex's tools and hunting stuff. I didn't know how long I'd been out there. All I know is all of a sudden it's like I "snapped out of it" and realized that I was looking for a rope...to hang myself with. This is gonna sound crazy but it almost felt like I was in a trance, like I wasn't in control of what I was doing.I sobbed....for hours.  It scared me worse than anything I'd ever been through up until that point, and trust me...I've been through A LOT.

That was one of the single most defining moments of my life. I'd NEVER had thoughts like that before. Hell I'd always joked with my sisters and said that if anything ever happened to me and they said it was suicide, if I passed away any way other than OD'ing on sleeping pills, I DIDN'T DO IT! Lmao...(Cause hell, if you're gonna do it...why not go to sleep and never wake up??) I swore I'd never let myself get like that again.

So yeah, I'm not taking that shit anymore. But that's not all that's wrong with me. I know I'm a little depressed for reasons not even connected to the meds.

I'm lonely, I miss my family, my friends, hell everyone back home! I get like this usually when it's been 6 months or longer since I've gone back for a visit. I could go home tomorrow for a visit, but I'm trying to wait until September before I go. It's the one time of year that I know my (globe trotting) sister and her husband will be in town. I always seem to miss them when I go home...they're always on some exotic trip/cruise or another. I'm starting to get a complex I know they'll be home because it's during the sugar cane festival, and their restaurant/bar is super busy during this time so they can't just go galavantin' all over the world at this time!!

If I wait until September like I'm planning to, then I'll also be there for my Mom's birthday. I haven't been able to visit my Mom's grave on her birthday since I moved. I'm looking forward to that...OK that sounded nuts didn't it? Lol...you know what I mean! I means a lot to me to be able to go on her birthday.

But yeah...I'm lonely for a little female companionship, for someone (here) to confide in, for someone to hang out with and just be me. Like I used to do with my big Sister Denise and her bestie Melly Mel (Melanie) before I moved. We used to get together once, and sometimes twice if one of us was having a bad day, a week for the "Tuesday Night Book Club on Wednesday's."

Lol...I'm not sure how we came up with that name. More than likely Melly Mel said it and it just stuck. Lmao...we didn't read any books, that was just our "excuse" for getting together. At first we called it our Tuesday night bible study on Wednesday's...but that just didn't seem right lol.

We would sit outside under my sister's patio in these really cool hanging "hammock chairs" that she has and just share a bottle (or four) of wine, a few stories, and a million laughs. It was so relaxing...well other than the notorious Louisiana mosquito's trying to eat you alive. It was so fun to just sit around and enjoy the company of a couple of really cool chicks never tell my Sister I said she's cool and laugh and joke around.

I miss it. I miss just sitting around with some cool chicks, shootin' the shit...laughing and joking. I have never had trouble making friends before..not until I moved here. I've been in NC for almost four years and I still can't say that I have a "best friend" here. There's one girl (that I used to work with) who will come by from time to time, we get together and go shopping or tanning every now and then. But she's young (23)...I'm 40 we're on two totally different levels.

Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. I love that she comes to me for advice. I love that she loves my jambalaya so much that she wont even ask me for the recipe because she knows she'll never cook it as good as I do (bless her heart, I love her for that one). I love that she usually raids my closet and nail polish every time she comes by.

I'm sure that most of you that are my age (or older hehe) can understand what I mean. I would just like to meet a few women who were closer to my age and that I had more in common with. When I hang out with Jess I usually end up just feeling like "the old chick!" Which kinda defeats the purpose lol.

Wow...I didn't realize how long this has gotten. Sorry about that. Let me just say, this wasn't meant as one of those "woe is me" entries. I guess I didn't realize how bad I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do just that!

OK...stop playing your fucking violins for me, you're giving me a fucking headache...someone crack a joke PLEASE!! Lol... 

Wish me luck....

I’m taking the plunge! Today I have a doctors appointment and I’m going to ask the doctor for a Rx of Chantix so I can try to quit smoking. Do I want to quit? Yes…and no. I do want to quit. I watch my Mom pass away from lung cancer. Honestly I’m tired of being “chained” to cigarettes.

It’s such a habit for me. The minute I get into my car…I light a cigarette. The minute I wake up in the morning…I light a cigarette. The minute I finish eating…I light a cigarette. When I’m sitting here with my laptop I usually have a cigarette burning away in the ashtray, it’s not like I can take my hands off the keyboard long enough to smoke an entire one.

My smoking has gotten out of hands recently though. Hubby will buy us both a carton of cigarettes, he will have 4 or 5 packs left and I’ve finished my carton. I’m smoking roughly two and a half packs a day. It’s just getting to be too much. I know that me not working, and not going to school has a lot to do with how much I’ve been smoking. I’m home all day unless I go tanning or have therapy.

My son HATES that I smoke, he always has. I would love nothing more than going home to see him and telling him I’m a non smoker, for the first time since I was 13 years old. He would be so proud of me. Hell I’d be proud of me.

Our insurance (Tricare and we have a supplemental insurance, so I usually don’t have to pay anything when I go to the doctor and I pay very little for my Rx’s!) does not cover Chantix. So we have to pay cash for it. It’s $160 for the first months supply. I’m so afraid that we’re gonna pay that much money for it and it’s not going to work. That I’m going to disappoint my hubby. That I’m going to disappoint myself. But…I’ve got to try.

I’m not sure if my doctor will give me Chantix though. The last time I asked her about it she said she wanted to get the Fibromyalgia under control before I even tried to quit smoking. I’m worried she’s gonna say no again.

I’ll be honest with y’all, just typing this out has made me anxious. Just thinking about quitting is making me feel like I’m gonna have an anxiety attack. Isn’t that awful?

I’ve always said I want to quit for all the right reasons, but I like smoking. But…I don’t want my Son to have to watch me suffer the way I watched my Mom suffer when she was dying. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life.

Hubby took Chantix a couple of years ago. He quit after a week and a half. It didn’t bother him when I smoked around him. He eventually started smoking again. I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to have him smoking around me. It’s gonna take everything I have in me, and the meds to help me quit. That’s really not fair to him, but I’m sure he’ll understand!

Anyway…wish me luck! I’m gonna need every single ounce of it!!!